The Importance of Shaving During a Zombie Apocalypse

We’ve all been there: police stations overrun, hospitals a death trap, federal forces pulling back to mountain holdouts, bridges bombed, warlords rising, violence rampant, basically anytown America looking more and more like Chicago. 

It’s understandable to assume that now is not the time to worry about shaving.  But you’d be wrong my friend…dead wrong.  Here’s why:

1) People with beards never fare well in apocalypse.  Can’t think of an example?  That’s cause there are none.  Even heavy scruff is an indicator that things are going down hill.  The Walking Dead folk, for example, are always scruffy, and what do they have to show for it?  Misery, squallier, and desperation.  Meanwhile, a clean shaven Charlton Heston in Omega Man and a clean shaven Will Smith in I Am Legend are living it up in penthouses, cruising in fancy cars, listening to their favorite music, plenty to eat, and living the good life.

2) A beard is bad for close combat.  While Special Forces in Afghanistan have popularized the warrior beard, when it comes to hand to hand battles you want a clean maw.  The reason?  Because the last thing you want is for a zombie to grab a handful of beard hair.  The Romans knew that (the grabbing part, zombies debatable), and it was standard that Roman soldiers would go into battle shaved so as not to give the enemy something to grab onto.

3) It’s aerodynamic.  Whether you’re running from shamblers or sprinters, cutting down on wind resistance can mean the difference between life and death. 

4) Zombies don’t shave.  Well of course they don’t, you say, so what?  Well when you’re approaching the barricades on the outskirts of a fortified encampment, that little bit of humanity might be just what you need to convince the sharpshooters your not a zed, and to hold their fire. 

5) It’s the secret to agrarian success.  With industrial society collapsing we’re headed back to the farm age.  The pinnacle of that was reached in our country in the late 1700’s.  What did George Washington, Patrick Henry, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and the rest of our founding fathers have in common?  Nary a beard on them, that’s what. 

So when you’re scavenging your next burnt out store front, snag yourself some razor blades.  Civilization might be ending, but you’ve got a lot of living to do. 

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